to the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left

I think that feeling of jealously about wanting what you can not have is misleading. It’s like when you see something, or in some cases someone, that once belonged to you. You know that you no longer have any claim over whatever/whoever it is, but there is that little part of you that feels envious of the fact that someone else gets to call it their own. But let’s say you do get this thing/person back, then what? Do you even still want it? Probably not, you just wanted to be able to say, “Haha, look what I have again!” There is a reason you gave the it up in the first place, do not forget about that. Just because some time has passed, there is still no actual guarantee that it will work out any differently than it did the first time around. A good example of this is seeing a picture of someone you used to be involved with or something. At first you get weird feelings about seeing him or her out and having a good time with someone else and you are like, “Wait a second, we used to go there together all of the time. How come you’re going there with her now?” and then you unintentionally start to go down memory lane. You then obviously reminisce on all of the fun times like singing in the car, going out together, and all of the cute little things you said. What you forget to remember is how annoying that person got after like ten minutes. You forget to remember how they always got mad whenever something didn’t go their way. You forget how they would cancel plans with you just to go hangout in one of their sketchy friend’s basement. Once you start reminding yourself of these little but also relevant downsides, it is a lot easier to just continue scrolling down Instagram when you see a picture of them with a new person. They have new people they are hanging out with, but you also will have new people at some point too. I think that it’s usually just that first moment where you notice that something you had is no longer yours, but it is okay once you just think about it for a minute rather than quickly thinking back to the warm and fuzzy times. Is this something other people do, too? I hope it is, because it if isn’t than I probably sound nuts.

2035

I think twenty years from now high schools will be more technological than they already are. I don’t know a lot about technology other than the stuff I use like computers and my phone, so I can’t really visualize what type of new things high schools would have. Maybe there would be systems that did all of the teaching on a big TV screen or something rather than having an actual teacher doing all of the work. Hopefully they don’t have that though, I would really hate that. They would probably type all of their work instead of writing, even some classes are like that now. Maybe high schools would have those one things that you stand on and it floats around, I don’t know what those are called. Do those even exist  in real life? I might be thinking of one of the Back to the Future movies instead.

I hate wednesdays

Why is it so easy to come up with valid ideas in your head about what to write about but when the time comes to actually sit down and type them all out you are suddenly staring at a blank screen while the curser is blinking at you saying, “What are you going to say next?” I feel like I have things to say but I am struggling to figure out how to say them. It’s not that I am at a loss for words, it is more that I just can’t easily straighten out all of my random thoughts and put them in a solid/well-written order. Maybe it’s just a weird week? I don’t know, but I really hope that this will pass soon. I’m sure everyone gets this way at certain points. It could probably still be considered progress even though you’re not actually writing anything because once you get out of this odd slump you can start writing a bunch of stuff that is more clear to you. Once you know what you want to say and you also know how you want to say it, then take the opportunity to do so. Even if you are hesitant about saying something because of what someone else will think, don’t just bury your thoughts. I’m not saying that you should go out and start insulting people or anything like that, but I don’t think it’s a good thing to keep yourself quiet about something that you think is important or worth saying. I think a lot of people can agree that they’ve said things before that they have regrets about now, but I also think that a lot of people can agree that they have also had times where they HAVE NOT said anything when they should’ve and have regrets about it now. Words that you don’t say will stick with you just as much as words that you do say but wish you hadn’t said. It’s hard to get my opinions out sometimes because I am a very quiet person, but I know that when something needs to be said I shouldn’t hold it back. I am still working on the whole “very quiet” thing, it’s been an ongoing process for the past seventeen years of my life. I know I have a voice, though. I know that everyone else does, too. This post kind of turned into something different than what it originally started out as, but oh well.

OMG

I can’t think about anything other than Taylor Swift and her music for the next four days of my life. Next Tuesday I am going to the 1989 concert and I AM SO EXCITED. Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I am a huge fan of Taylor Swift. People can say that she is a serial-dater all they want, but I have loved her from day 1. It’s not that I relate to ALL of her songs because I don’t, I love her music so much because she is so great at putting her own feelings into actual words. Ever since I was eight years old and I heard her first single “Tim McGraw” come on the radio, I have been a devoted fan. With each album she has put out since then, I have been more and more amazed at how good they all are. She not only has the ability to write her own lyrics, but she can also perform them on multiple instruments and sing them. It makes me sad that in the past she has only been recognized for who she dates or who she breaks up with, that is not the main point of why she is in the spotlight. In 2012, she released her fourth album, Red. Red was one of the most beautifully devastating albums I had ever heard and she deserved so much recognition and appreciation for putting an album out into the world that was so personal and so deep, but instead of that all she really got from the media was backlash about her relationships and inconsiderate speculations about which song was about celebrities like Jake Gyllenhaal and Harry Styles. The purpose of her writing and releasing music is to connect with other people who respect her work and it is mean when people are only listening to criticize her personal choices. She has said before that when Red came out, her heart broke a little because people were not focusing on the music; they were putting all of their attention on making her personal life a huge joke. Luckily when her newest album came out in 2014, people finally began to form opinions about her based upon her newfound sound rather than who she chooses to involve herself with. 1989 is a new sound to mirror her new life. She doesn’t let negative attitudes towards her affect who she believes she is as a person, and I think that is a very brave thing to do.

7 More Months

September 25th really sneaked up on me. I kept thinking to myself, “Oh, you don’t have to worry. You will easily end up getting eight blog posts with 400 words, no problem!” But here I am with this being only my sixth 400-word post. I guess I failed in handling my time wisely. I typically get my work done when I am supposed to and I never miss due dates, so I am very upset with myself for this error. I don’t have anyone or anything else to blame for it other than myself and not realizing how quickly weeks tend to go by during senior year. It is so crazy to me how it is already the end of September. It feels like just yesterday it was the middle of August and I was whining about how hot it will be by the end of the day when I get in my car to leave school. Is this how senior year feels for everyone? It is definitely flying by already. Once Halloween comes and goes, the rest of the year will be gone in the blink of an eye. I am both excited and nervous for that. Yes, I am for sure ready to be out of high school and onto the next part of my life, but I am also scared to adapt to a completely new scene. I have never been a huge fan of change and this is going to be the biggest change I have had to face in my seventeen years of life. I struggle to adapt to new things because I am naturally shy and it takes me a while to break out of my shell. I have always been quiet by nature and I don’t necessarily consider it to be a bad thing. I appreciate how I am comfortable with keeping to myself. I know some people who can not go a day without doing something with someone else, whereas I enjoy making plans to hang out alone. I hope that once I actually go to college I will be able to put myself out there more. I look at some people who can easily enter a new place and mingle with other people and I almost feel a little envious of them. I don’t worry about people judging me or anything, I just don’t have a lot of skills in showing that outgoing side to myself.

Will

Whenever I start thinking about how college is already less than a year away, I begin making a list of all of the things I will miss when I leave. I’ll miss my parents, I’ll miss my dogs, I’ll miss being able to escape to my own bedroom, but most of all I think I will miss my little brother. Will and I have been partners in crime since the day he was born. My two older sisters are only 14 months apart so they have always been a duo, which made me and Will pair up because we are only 2 years apart from each other. He has always been my little brother, but in the past few years he has also become my closest friend. Once he got out of that awful “12 year old boy who thinks he is the coolest thing to ever happen” phase, we started becoming great pals. This year he started high school, and it’s so fun seeing him in the halls in between classes because we haven’t gone to the same school in years. I have watched him mature so much over the years and I really am impressed with the type of kid he became and continues to become. He is loved by so many people because he just has this kind of magnetic personality. All of my friends enjoy hanging out with him and consider him one of their own friends, too. When I go to school next year it is just going to be him in the house with my parents. It’s crazy to me how fast our household went from having 6 members to only 4, and soon it’ll be only 3. It seems like just yesterday all 4 of us kids were being dropped off at Holy Infant elementary, because there was actually a time that we all were there at the same time which is really weird to think about. There are home videos we have of me and Will back from when I was 5 and he was 3. We are in the living room holding hands dancing all around to “Sk8er Boi” by Avril Lavigne. It’s one of my favorite old videos because it is a good representation of me and him. We are always having fun together. He’s my go to person for whenever I want to have a last-minute adventure or whenever I have a rant that I need to get out of my system. I know he’ll be a phone call away next year but it still makes me sad that we won’t be across the hall from one another anymore.

I Promise I’m Not Mad

I am unfortunately a victim of Chronic Resting Bitch Face. It is definitely a real thing. Almost every single day, I have one person say to me, “Oh my god, Hollie, what’s wrong? You look so mad,” when in actuality I am not mad or angry or upset or any other kind of negative emotion, it is just my face! I guess when I have a blank look on my face it appears to be really pissed off. It’s not like I can change the way my face naturally rests whenever I am zoned out or not paying full attention to what is happening around me. For example, people always tell me that when they saw me walking down the halls earlier that I looked really mad at them, but that is not the case. I don’t intentionally try to give someone a mean or scary look. It has gotten so bad that I pretty much try to dodge eye contact with other people in the hallways all together just to avoid the CRBF issue. I know that I am not the only person that this problem has affected. Luckily there are other people out there who also give out the wrong impression based on their facial expressions. I’ll be in a pleasant mood and then one of my friends will come up to me and ask, “Did something happen? Why do you look so sad?” and my response is always, “I am not sad! I am totally normal and I have no control over how my facial expressions come off as sad!” CRBF follows me pretty much everywhere I go, too. I was at a wedding a few weeks ago and one of my relatives approached me and told me that I should wipe “that look” off of my face and enjoy myself more. I was so confused about what she meant because I felt that I was enjoying myself and having a good time, but then I remembered that I suffer from CRBF. But come on, do people really think I would choose to constantly wear a mean face? Of course I wouldn’t, but it also isn’t like I can just force myself to smile all day long, either. For everyone out there who also has to deal with this problem each day, I honestly feel your pain. I understand how annoying it is to always have to explain that you REALLY are not mad, seriously.

Poetry? More like NOetry! (that was a terrible joke)

You walked in

The theater was half-full

Each open seat shouted your name

You didn’t know which one to choose

You’ve never known.

When you sat down

You noticed something

Your popcorn smelled like familiarity

You had seen this film before

It was like your own personal version of The Truman Show

Bang! Truths began to hit you one after the other

As you watched

You reflected

You thought back to moments

That you’d thought were made from pure authenticity

Except now you saw that you were wrong

Your days were planned already

All the people you knew were the actors

All the places you’ve been were the sets

And all of the things you regret not doing

Were the deleted scenes

When the final credits had ended

You sat for a moment

You felt your blue heart begin to tear

As you exited once again.

Traveling Alone

I have never traveled somewhere by myself but I think that I would really enjoy an experience like that. For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been the type to keep to myself rather than throw myself into a big crowd of people and socialize. I have a social life and everything, but I have always felt more comfortable when I’m doing my own thing or laying low. I think traveling by myself would be a really good opportunity to get some things cleared from your head. It would probably help you be able to see a bigger picture or maybe it would give you a perspective you were not able to see from before. I think there’s something about being alone that makes you go into periods of reflection about yourself and your life. You can learn a lot about how special it is to have good company around by NOT having good company around at a certain point. I have realized that being alone is not the same as FEELING alone, and I think that a lot of people are too scared to even try being alone becusdr they are so scared of the drowning feeling of loneliness. Doing something alone can teach you so many things about yourself that you did not know before. You are really able to get inside of your own head by being by yourself. You may find yourself thinking about things you didn’t have time to focus on before because you were so preoccupied with who you were surrounded by. For me, going somewhere far away by myself seems like it would be nerve-racking at first, but after a little while I think that I would be able to adjust to it. I don’t have a problem with being quiet or not having a person to conversate with for periods of time. I would be able to go wherever I wanted because I would not have to take into consideration the places that other people I would have been with wanted to go to. I enjoy my time alone and I appreciate the time I have when I’m with only myself because there is no one else I have to deal with. Maybe everyone should put “travel somewhere by yourself” on their to-do lists, it is probably very good for you. It seems like it would be a beneficial thing to do if you’re trying to refresh your thoughts and surroundings and ideas if that even makes sense.

I’m on my break right now

My Saturdays are always my least favorite day of the week. I am unfortunately scheduled to work a double shift every Saturday at my job. I work at Fortel’s Pizza Den as a lot of different things. I take orders, answer phones, run food out to their tables, and a lot of other things I just can not think of at the moment. I set my alarm clock for 9 a.m. but I don’t actually get out of my bed until 10ish. I’m scheduled for 11 so before then I like to throw myself a little pity-party about having to spend my Saturday afternoon at work. It’s not that I don’t like my job, it’s just that Saturdays are good days to run errands, catch up on some homework, and do fun things with your friends. There’s always Sunday to do those same things, but everyone knows that Sunday is a school night therefore it isn’t the same. I get off of work around 2 or 3 p.m. for my break in between my two shifts, so I am blessed with 2 whole hours to do whatever I want before I have to go back for my night shift. Saturday nights are insanely busy at Fortel’s because there are always little kid sports teams who come in for their trophy parties or big groups of people who come in after a game of some sort. Not only does the dining room quickly fill itself up, but then there are also so many carryout and delivery orders to take care of as well. I am a pretty reliable worker, because I don’t mind switching shifts with other people whenever they ask me to, so my managers usually throw me up in the front taking orders all by myself which can get really scary and intimidating. Luckily, I get to work with my best friend, Ellie, on Saturday nights. If we weren’t both scheduled for that shift I would probably lose my sanity from all of the chaos. One of the worst things about working Saturday nights is that there is not a designated time for when I will get off, it’s just whenever a manager tells me I can go home. This makes it pretty much impossible to make plans for after work because I never know when I will be available. I enjoy doing work and feeling useful to other people, but I wish that Fortel’s was closed on Saturdays, or I wish that I was unemployed on Saturdays.