closing time

Well ladies and gentlemen, it has finally happened. High school has finally begun wrapping up entirely and coming to a permanent end. Just four years ago we were all wide-eyed gazing at the next chapter in our lives, starting with freshman year. Did you do the things you wanted to do while in high school? Did you try out for that sport you always envisioned yourself being the star player of? Did you finally get the nerve to make conversation with that person you’ve always had a tiny crush on? Did you get your dreams? I really hope you can answer “yes” to at least a few of these questions, but if you can’t I definitely understand.

I don’t think anyone knows exactly how something will really turn out until the moment has actually arrived and its all happening. For me, I had crazy ideas of how high school would go. I came from a private school, a place I had attended with the same 100 kids in my class for nine whole years. Having said that, I think it is pretty safe to say that my ideas of high school were entirely based around what I had seen in the movies, where there was always a huge house party going down that weekend and how somehow the quiet, underdog of a girl managed to win over the popular but secretly nice jock. By September of 2012 I quickly knew that the fantasy I had in my head was not at all realistic. I wasn’t on any sports team, I didn’t transform into some scholar student overnight, I didn’t run the school like I had hoped I would, and I didn’t know where or what I was supposed to be. For a while I thought I was completely doomed. I thought that since I didn’t have anything figured out about myself or what I wanted out of life, I was already written off and out of luck. I figured that high school was where dreams came true!!! I thought that something had to have gone wrong because everyone is supposed to love high school!!!! I was so discouraged and felt so defeated by my own self.

Looking back now, I can see it all a lot more clearly. It took some time and definitely some energy, but I think I kind of get it now. High school is not for everyone and that is okay. You don’t have to love high school just because your friends do. You don’t have to pretend to dwell on how much you’re going to miss everyone and everything just because you feel kind of like an asshole if you don’t mention it. If you know that you’re meant for much bigger things than the homecoming football game or prom, then you need to continue down that path. I really don’t think anyone has ever said, “Man, I really regret NOT peaking in high school.”

Do your own thing, do what makes you the happiest version of yourself, and don’t underestimate the power of bigger and better things.


this is a nice post

This is a reminder to take care of yourself. I hear that saying a lot, and it is good advice. It’s also sometimes difficult to accomplish, particularly when you don’t even know what it is that you need. I haven’t had an anxiety attack in awhile, but I had one lately, and I’m writing more for myself than for […]

via On a brain that is anxious and depressed and is also mine and beautiful. — I Am Begging My Mother Not To Read This Blog


Today is my 18th birthday! Even typing that sentence out felt so weird. I remember thinking about how I was so excited for my 10th birthday, then my 16th birthday, and now my 18th birthday. Soon enough I’ll be saying that it’s my 21st birthday, which will also be my golden birthday! Time flies faster with each year that passes.

What I really wanted to post about is the senior superlative I was just told that I won. I won “Next Best-Selling Author” and I am so shocked and surprised and happy. I know that I never would have won that had it not been for taking Creative Writing first semester and actually publishing a short story. I never took into serious consideration how useful and fulfilling and IMPORTANT writing truly is before this school year began and I just wanted to say thank you for whoever put my name down for that superlative, whoever has read my short story, and whoever continues to read these blog posts. I AM SO EXCITED!!!

spinning like a girl in a brand new dress

I am hungry. I took a sneak peek in my lunch bag this morning (Yes, my mother still packs my lunch everyday) and I saw that she gave me PIZZA. I AM VERY HAPPY I GOT PIZZA. So naturally, I am feeling extra hungry this morning because I know what is waiting for me at 11:25. I must be patient.

In other news, tomorrow is prom!!! Don’t be too fooled by my use of three exclamation points, I’m not that excited. Prom last year was stressful and I mean STRESSFUL. I was one foot in one foot out about the whole thing to begin with, and my at-the-time loser boyfriend didn’t make it any easier. So why would I choose to go again this year if last year was so not enjoyable? That’s actually a really good question and I don’t think I have a solid answer at the moment. Maybe it’s because I was afraid of falling victim to FOMO. I thought my FOMO days were long behind me, but from time to time I still do end up feeling kind of sad when I miss out on something. Plus, I won’t get another prom after this year, so I had to take the chance while I still had it. I’m much happier to be attending this year’s prom with a guy friend rather than a boyfriend, though. To me, events are always a lot more fun when you go with your friends rather than your current boyfriend. Especially when your boyfriend is from a different school because then he tends to be extra needy and clingy towards you when you’re just trying to have a good time with your pals! Okay I’m being a little mean, he wasn’t that bad. Still though, no thank you.

I’m on a time crunch starting at 2:10 today. I thought I was getting out at 1:15 just like any other day, but I have to stay because of the awful EOC schedules. I need to get my nails done right after school because I have to work at 4 for my manager who by the way, NEVER COVERS MY SHIFTS BUT I ALWAYS TAKE HERS. Then I will probably get off work around 9:30ish, so I will probably go home and go to bed, I have been so tired this week. Then I will have to wake up really early tomorrow morning because I need to run some last minute prom-related errands. I’m starting to sound a little whiny so I am going to end this post before I start complaining about how much I hate my dress.

Happy Friday!!!

I Move Out in August

The college countdown has officially begun in my mind. In 138 days (if I counted correctly) I will no longer be a permanent resident in the house I’ve grown up in, I will no longer have to report to Fortel’s five times a week to work my underpaying job, and I will no longer have to hangout around the same people I’ve been surrounded by these past 4 years of high school.

I am so happy to be getting out of this area and living somewhere completely new. I need to branch out and it would be much harder to do that if I never got the chance to live somewhere other than Ellisville, Missouri. But I think at this moment in time, I am mostly looking forward to meeting new people and finding different things to do. I love my friends and I’m sure I’ll keep in touch with a lot of them, but distance will definitely play its inevitable part when the time comes to college. I think about my favorite memories I’ve made from high school, and although there were some really great times, I am more than ready to loosen my grip on all that has happened and begin looking forward to what is ahead of me. You can’t hold onto everything forever, and I don’t think I would ever want to. People will come and go throughout our entire lives, and all you can do about it is recognize the time you have with them and then appreciate it when it’s over and more importantly KNOW when it’s over. Growth comes from new experiences, and I don’t think you can do much growing when you try holding on to something that simply belongs in the past. There are places we’ve been that we no longer go, there are people we love that we have to let go. I always think I know myself really well, but I usually end up feeling the opposite way whenever something happens and I don’t know how to deal with it.The next 4 years of my life are going to build a very strong foundation of who I will be in my adult years, and I remind myself of that whenever I feel like the realities of high school are overwhelming. But I’m 17 years old, and I have plenty of time to figure out who exactly it is that I want to be!

What’s the deal with Taylor Swift’s squad?

Selena Gomez, Gigi Hadid, Lily Aldridge, Cara Delevingne: We have seen them all and many other A-List celebrities out and about with the one and only Taylor Swift. From strolling the streets of New York City to strutting down the glamorous runway together at one of Taylor’s concerts, it is apparent that the girl squad Taylor has built is nothing if not a very fascinating, elite group.

I remember the first time I ever watched the music video for one of Taylor Swift’s hit singles, “Bad Blood.” In case you have not yet seen or even heard of this video, the leading roles include Taylor Swift and sixteen of her closest friends, otherwise known as her “squad.” While watching the music video with wide, starstruck eyes, I began wondering more and more about the people starring in it. Questions flooded my curious mind like, How did these ladies come together as a squad in the first place? Did they all just happen to hangout one night and realize they got along well enough to immediately become best friends? Did Taylor hold top-secret “Potential Squad Member” auditions at her house? (And if so, why did nobody tell me? I so would have tried out.) The interest I took in Taylor Swift and her squad only continued to grow from then on, but as I started paying more attention I quickly noticed that maybe her squad of rich, famous, A-List girls seemed a little too exclusive.

Not only are they all very popular names being discussed in the media right now, but they are also all extremely beautiful and successful in their designated industries such as modeling, singing, and acting. From what I can tell from the daily paparazzi photos taken of Taylor, she is almost never seen with an unfamiliar face, but instead frequently photographed with her famous gal pals. These documented moments are very entertaining, but many people have begun to feel that that’s the entire purpose of her “squad” in the first place. Could this really be nothing other than a big publicity stunt performed by Taylor in order to climb to the very top of the social ladder for fame? Are these friendships of hers simply surface-level rather than genuine and true? Maybe I’m wrong, and maybe this group of girlfriends really does have authentic chemistry with one another and seek fulfillment in being friends, but it takes a long time to build sincere and long lasting relationships with people. The fact that Taylor suddenly came out with a large, newfound group of Hollywood’s most popular women seems highly suspicious.

Another part of Taylor Swift’s “Bad Blood” girl squad that I have had quite some trouble understanding is what exactly their ultimate motive was for the video. The song is rumored to have been written about Katy Perry, another powerful woman in the singing industry who also happens to be one of Taylor’s biggest enemies. The video revolves around Taylor and her squad learning how to fight while preparing for some type of battle between them and another woman. The squad must have known who the song was about and that the video was not-so-subtly hinting towards Taylor’s personal vendetta against Katy Perry. I do not think that it is right for Taylor’s friends to join in on the drama and gain up on Katy too just because Taylor and her have had problems in the past. Regardless of its shininess and entertaining factor, it’s 2016, and I think Taylor and her clique should be using their powerful platform to promote the idea of women treating other women kindly rather than making it a point to publicly take down another singer.

Whether it was one big forced friendship or just a natural connection between the many women, I don’t think the world will ever know how Taylor Swift’s girl squad truly came to be. Whichever one it is, I think the rest of us should stop paying so much attention to someone else’s friends so much and start finding people you would want to be in your own squad.

I guess I blinked

It seems like it was just yesterday when my three siblings and I were all attending Holy Infant Catholic School at the same time. Now, the four of us are at a point in our lives where we are all doing different things. Time is so weird.

Everything will be dramatically changing this summer. My oldest sister, Kellie, has decided to quit her job as an elementary teacher and join the Peace Corps. She’ll be moving to Figi in August and she won’t be coming home for two and a half years. While I admire her ability to do something like this, I can’t say that I’m totally thrilled about it, but I know that if this is what she truly wants to do then I have to support her decision and be happy for her. My other older sister, Keri, is graduating college in May and then moving to Colorado for her job. She majored in hospitality and management, so she’s getting a management job at some vacation hotel. I know how much she loves Colorado so I think that this is going to be really good for her. Her personality and spirit belongs in a place like Colorado, so this is definitely what she’s supposed to be doing. I’ll be going to college this summer too, and while Mizzou’s not too far away from home it’s still going to be a big adjustment especially since my sisters will also be in completely different places. My family has always lived in the same place, we’ve never even moved houses. And now all at once we are all relocating. My younger brother is still in high school so he’s not going anywhere and I can’t imagine how he feels about all of his siblings leaving at the same time. My parents are trying their best to be happy for Kellie’s Peace Corps decision but obviously they have a lot of concerns and fears the same way any parent would. They’re excited for Keri because they’ve always known that she wanted to live somewhere like Colorado. As for me, I am feeling a lot of different ways. I don’t know how I am going to cope with Kellie being so far away and having very little contact with her, she’s always been my safety net. She’s taught me everything I know so far, and I know that I will need her when I’m a freshman in college. I’ll still have Keri, but her and I have a different relationship than Kellie and I. When it comes to Keri, she’s all about tough love. She will tell you like it is whether you want it that way or not. A lot of times, her honesty comes off as insulting and ridiculing so I’ve just learned to turn to Kellie who is much more sensitive and nurturing about other people’s problems.

I have about six more months with all of my siblings living in the same place as me. I know it’s going to fly by. I don’t want it to. Is this called moving on and growing up? If so I don’t think I want to grow up anymore.

Lives change like the weather

IMG_8269 (1)

The weekend’s weather made me very very happy.

I usually hate warm weather but for some reason it is all I want lately. I’m definitely a winter kind of person, but this winter has been particularly brutal. Maybe it’s because I have been comparing it to last winter when things were different with my life or maybe it’s just me growing as a person and developing new preferences. Either way, I’m so ready for spring. I’ll turn 18 this spring, I’ll be graduating this spring, I’ll be getting ready for lots and lots of new beginnings this spring. I am excited. I am hopeful.

Hank looks so happy in this photo which makes me so happy. LOOK AT HIM!

Can I get one medium hazelnut coffee with JUST A LITTLE cream and sugar???

NO snow day? NO late start at LEAST?! What is this absurdity?! I woke up to see my street untouched by snow plows and flurries still falling down. I’m not one to blame my bad driving on anyone other than myself, but I was not ready to make my way down Manchester and Clarkson in the snow. I have an SUV with 4 wheel drive but that doesn’t stop me from slipping and sliding and almost rear-ending other people when the weather is like this. My brother and I left our house at 7:45 and didn’t get into the parking lot until 8:45. THAT IS AN ENTIRE HOUR. Being stuck in the car with my 15-year-old brother early in the morning was not very ideal, but I did get to hear all about freshman drama, so that was sort of interesting except not really. Also I heard that the French field trip for today has been canceled due to the weather. I guess it was safe enough for us students to drive to school early this morning when traffic was insane and snow was still falling but it’s not safe enough to go on that field trip. (HUH?) It’s Tuesday. People are annoying. My room is messy. I’m feeling a little hangry.

older sisters aren’t nice sometimes

It seems like when it comes to choosing family over friends, I’ve always gone with family. I mean, shouldn’t that be the obvious choice?

My oldest sister, Kellie, is 24. She’s very mature and professional, she’s always been that way. She has been my go-to girl for pretty much everything I need some advice on or help with for as long as I can remember. Unfortunately, she has become a notorious flaker. She says she will do one thing, but in the back of her mind she already knows she has no intention of following through with it.

Two weeks ago I called her and asked if she would be able to help me out with something for one hour this Saturday. (I learned early on that if you need her for something, ask her far in advance.) She told me she’d be able to come over (She has her own place) and help me out, no problem. I foolishly believed her even though I had plenty of reasons to question her promise. I sent her a reminder text on Monday saying, “Don’t forget about Saturday please!!! :)” And she replied with, “I won’t forget, don’t worry!” So I thought that I had nothing to worry about this time with her. Last night I found out that I thought wrong. I texted her, “So you’ll come over at noon on Saturday? I only need your help for an hour or so” and Kellie said, “OMG! I’m sorry I can’t come over anymore! I’m going out at 8 a.m. for Mardi Gras festivities! Hope everything works out though!” EXCUSE ME?

First of all, it’s not the fact that she won’t be around to help me, it’s the fact that I asked her WEEKS ago and she agreed, up until she found better plans to party. I wish I could say that this is the first time she’s blown me off for her friends, but it’s not. This happens all the time with her. To me, picking your friends over your family is so unacceptable I can’t even begin to understand what she’s thinking. Maybe it’s just me being hypersensitive, or maybe it’s just Kellie being selfish. I get that she’s in her 20s and she’s having a fun time, but that doesn’t seem like a valid excuse to ditch me, her younger sister who just needed her help for a little while. I wasn’t asking for much from her. I asked her to help me for an hour, but all I got was familiar disappointment and hurt feelings.

I would never even think twice about putting my family before my Mardi Gras partying schedule, but I guess everyone is entitled to make their own wrong decisions…