Would a change REALLY do me good, Sheryl Crow?

This is a boring day. This is a boring week. This is a boring month.

I’ve never been a fan on January. To me, it’s dull and apathetic. The holiday hype dies down, the reality of everything you bought and ate the month before hits you painfully hard, and it’s the beginning of a new year. In December, you feel like you’re awesome for having completed another year without losing your sanity (that’s how it goes for me, at least) but then you’re right back to month #1 and you have to restart. Maybe the constant new beginning is a good thing, I don’t know though. Maybe it’s because I hate change more than I hate anything else. Sometimes I find it very unsettling how change itself is the only thing that will ever remain continual in our lives. Things will never stay the same, but change will always continue on. I don’t mind the changes that are made in myself, because they’re usually for the better. What I can’t get over is how things around me change when I want nothing more than for them to stay the way they are. It’s like, “Wait. No. Stop that. I didn’t want that to happen. Undo. Undo. Undo.” I think I’m beginning to ramble. I also think I need some sleep.

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SHE FORGAVE AND SHE BECAME

It is a good day when you come to the realization that you don’t need to worry about things you have no reason to be sorry for.

Recently, I have been noticing very small, but still obvious changes in myself. It’s almost as if I went to bed as the same, blindly optimistic girl I have always tended to be and woke up as someone else. Someone who I think is a lot better, in my opinion. I think I unconsciously made it my 2016 resolution to no longer take other people’s shit. I am realizing I just don’t have the time for that anymore! I’ve always been the type to sit around and wait for someone else to call all of the shots or tell me what the next move will be. Why have I never chosen to make those decisions for myself though? I am definitely capable of doing so. I’ll be the first person to say that ex-boyfriends ARE NOT RELEVANT! I had high hopes of rekindling a given up relationship with this guy from last July, but I am coming to realize that he kind of sucks now. Who he was when he left for college is not who he is today, and I say that in the worst way possible. I understand the whole “people change in college” thing, it happens. He will continue sitting in the basement of his frat house doing things I will not mention on my blog, and I will continue being the best thing to happen to him. He had a lot of potential to be great, so I am a little sad for him. But am I sad for me anymore? NO, because I am dunzo with that part of my life. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because something was awesome then, does NOT mean it would still be awesome now. I was clinging to that old flame for dear life, and now that I have let it go I feel so much better. It’s a huge weight off of my shoulders. I never ever thought I would say that.

Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, she became a butterfly.

It’s been a while

Hello, it’s me again. Although I haven’t posted anything on my blog since December, I have continued reading it almost daily because I like knowing about what my peers have been up to even if we aren’t that good of friends. (Is that creepy? I swear I am not a creep.) Anyway, just because me and my blog took a little break from one another, I’ve still been writing in my journal from class everyday. It’s weird because when I was younger, as in elementary school, I always kept a diary and I always updated it with all of my 4th grade drama and secrets. When I took creative writing, I found it hard to write my thoughts down on an actual sheet of paper rather than just keeping them inside my head. I got used to it quickly though, I guess I have all of the diary-keeping years to thank for that. I am back to religiously writing in a journal again (I will call it a journal from now on because “diary” is way too juvenile at this point in my life) and I think it has been a really good thing for me. I am going to try to continue blogging too though. So don’t you worry followers (all 44 of you), I am not going anywhere. You can all finally get some sleep knowing that I am still going to blog, I’m sure my brief absence kept you up at night.

good people really do exist

I decided to get myself an m &m mcflurry on the way home from school today. It was kind of an “in the moment” decision but I thought TGIAT (Thank God It’s Almost Thanksgiving) and wanted to celebrate. The drive thru line was really long but once you’re in one of them, you’re bumper to bumper and there’s no easy way of getting out. I was sad that I would have to wait like 10 minutes just to order a mcflurry while the people around me were probably ordering actual food. When I finally rolled up to the payment window the worker goes “the woman in front of you paid for your mcflurry!” AND  I WAS SO HAPPY. I was so shocked that people actually did such random acts of kindness. That lady was trying to do a nice thing for me, a person she has never met and knows nothing about. It made my day 10000 times better knowing that nice people are out there doing nice things for strangers even though they don’t get anything other than anonymous appreciation from people like me. Next time I go through a drive thru line I will pay for the person who ends up behind me, I hope this chain that lady has started today with me never gets breaks.

Some things I’ve learned/realized since 1998 (so far)

– Trying sushi for the first time wasn’t worth it, it turns out I’m very allergic.

– Sometimes it’s hard to be friends with yourself, but keep trying anyway.

– Your parents won’t be around forever so appreciate them at all times.

– It’s better to regret what you said that one time rather than regret what you DIDN’T say.

– If you know that someone/something is a bad influence then do something about it. You really don’t need that.

– Doing your own thing is totally okay.

– Just go to sleep if you’re having a bad night, you’ll feel a little better when you wake up.

– Books are very important.

– Quality over quantity ALWAYS.

– It’s a good idea to spend time with yourself, being alone is not the same thing as being lonely.

– Ditching the heavy, black eyeliner was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

– Pleasing other people is great and all, but if it means putting yourself last then maybe you should take a step back for a second.

– Don’t ever underestimate the power of karma.

– Time definitely helps.

– Family is FOREVER.

Slumpy

I’m feeling a little slumpy this week. I am trying to blame lots of things. The weather is very ugly, I’ve worked 4 nights in a row, and I often allow myself to give in to really bad moods. I’ll be the first to admit that I definitely influence my own negative days by whining, listening to sad songs, and hanging my head without even trying to make myself feel better. That’s just how I do things. Whenever I fall into these slumps, I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like talking or eating or leaving my bedroom, I just want to be my myself. I am hoping that it’s just a bad week though and that I’ll be back to normal soon. I was working on Saturday afternoon while feeling slumpy and my manager goes, “You’re always so bubbly, it really puts everyone else here in a better mood.” I couldn’t even believe him at first because I didn’t FEEL bubbly at all that day. I felt tired and annoyed with everything. I didn’t wear my slumpiness on the outside, which is good I guess. I think I just need a long nap. I would say today would be a perfect day for one, but I have to work after school. DrSeuss.png.png

Floaters

Floaters can be very annoying. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, floaters are the people who will randomly appear in and out of your life whenever they feel like it. If it’s someone who once mattered a lot to you, then the whole waiting game of wondering when they’ll send you a text saying “hey” or a snapchat asking you “what’s up” can really drive you insane. Yes, I understand that if I don’t like it I can easily just block their number all together and call it a day, that way I would never have to worry about it again. Blocking someone is much easier said than done, I think a lot of us can agree on that. You go into blocking someone thinking, “Oh yeah, this will show them how much I don’t care. I can’t wait for them to notice that I’ve blocked them.” But the reality of it is that they probably won’t be that affected by it the way you hope they’d be. It’s like you don’t want to talk to them, but at the same time you want them to talk to you. Blocking someone makes it seem like you’re the one with the upper hand, but I think it’s the exact opposite. I think it gives the OTHER person all of the “power” because it’s as if you’re going to extreme measures just to prove that they don’t matter, even though they definitely do. You think you don’t need them and that you just want them to need you. Isn’t that a little twisted? Maybe it all comes from the need to be needed, or at least maybe that’s where it comes from for me. I love feeling like I’m a necessity. Floaters always win when it comes to me. I always end up responding to them.

The Tail of Maggie & Hank (Yes, I meant to spell tail that way)

Once upon a time there was a dog named Maggie. Maggie was a very special pet because she could not see. Even though Maggie couldn’t see anything, she was still as happy as can be.

One day, Maggie’s family came home with a surprise. They got a new dog named Hank! Hank was also a special pet just like Maggie because he did not have a tail. Maggie did not like Hank very much. She didn’t want another dog in the house. She would bark and growl at Hank. Whenever Hank wanted to play, Maggie would say no. Hank was sad because he just wanted to be Maggie’s friend.

As Maggie was walking down the stairs one day, she accidentally tripped! When she fell, Hank ran over to help.

“What happened?” Hank asked.

“I fell down the stairs because I can not see.” Maggie said.

“Well I’m different, just like you. I can’t wag my tail because I don’t have one!” Hank said.

“Thank you for helping me.” said Maggie.

From then on, Maggie was nice to Hank. She knew that she would be sad if someone was not nice to her, so she became Hank’s best friend.

The end